I’m the girl next door, the friend-of-a-friend that tags along for a party, the go-to shoulder to cry on, and the one that gives the best unbiased advice. I am dependable, genuine, and nice. I was never the first pick for any sleepovers nor was I even the second pick. I’m reserved and extremely guarded. I’ve always wanted to be outgoing and confident. For me, these two seemingly simple things have been a constant struggle. Throughout my entire life, I have always struggled with my weight. When I was happy, I ate. When I was depressed, I ate. When I was bored, I ate. Sensing a theme? It has been a really difficult road and it has taken me a long time for me to finally accept myself and for me to be comfortable in my own skin.
I have always been there for other people. Yet when it comes for me to rely on someone or ask for help, I feel like I have no one. No one calls me to see how my weekend was or to check in to see if I’m doing okay. Do I come off stronger than I actually am? Does no one really have time for me? The friends that I considered to be close to me are farther and farther away. I’m not looking for a ‘pity party’ or any sympathy. I just wonder how I got to this point in my life.
Recently, I have started to really look at all of the friends that I’ve made. It seems that there are very few friends that have been around for more than 8 years. I do not have any childhood friends and most of my friends from high school drifted away.
I want support and I want people to care about my well being. I’m lonely and I am scared. I want a best friend that I can confide in. I want someone that wants to know everything about me. I want someone that most truly positively gives a shit. I’m scared to keep sharing myself with more people for them to just walk away or not be there when I need them. I want to be happy so bad. I don’t know how to reach out and ask my “friends” to shut up about what they looked like at the bar last night and to listen to me for a few minutes. I want to talk things through with them. I want to vent to them of my anxieties. Sometimes I get so nervous that I feel like I literally become immobile and I can’t leave my house. I want someone to genuinely sit and listen without trying to change the subject back to them. I thought that I’ve been such a great friend to others, I selfishly thought that they would return the favor. I guess I can’t have it both ways.